Tuesday, May 12, 2009

TEM Bests Round 2

Round two of the Best of TEM. About half of these will be showing up in Wednesdays D.I. column

7/13/08 – Girl came in and bought blunts while wearing a D.A.R.E. T-shirt. Clearly this is a program that is working.

7/18/08 – Old couple sat outside for an hour. We have two theories. 1) They are professional thieves waiting for their window to strike. 2) They are looking for the right place to die and our lot won.

7/18/08 – Misreading the “Giant Barricade” portion of the sign [on the barricade blocking the path to the bathroom] tonight, a girl though we had a “Giant Barracuda.” At this point she asked, “what’s a barracuda?” Her friend, clearly an avid National Geographic watcher, informed her that it was a tiger, or a, “bear-tiger thing,” one of the two.

8/03/08 – Some girl purchased a “pleasure pack” of condoms as well as an energy drink. After my disapproving look she said they weren’t for her. “I assumed as much” I said. “the guy is usually the one wearing these” … As for the energy drink…

8/17/08 – Dude came in wearing a T-Shirt sporting the image of Che Guevara and the battlecry: “Suburban White Kids of the World Unite!” Too great.

08/21/08 – Guy paced back and forth on parking lot retaining wall a la a balance beam. I didn’t have the heart to tell him they already held that event.

9/4/08 – Some girl asked me what unleaded was and if “that’s the kind you put in cars.”

9/6/08 – Young lass regaled her friends with a story about her grandmother’s tendency to store money in the space between her breasts. Apparently, upon needing to retrieve money from said location (at, say, a MacDonald’s or something) the old woman would enthusiastically proclaim, “Time to go to the Titty Bank!”

9/19/08 Dude came and had an extended conversation with someone via his cell phone’s speaker phone because (as he put it) he, “couldn’t hear her on that jail phone” otherwise. Sadly, I couldn’t find my “classiest dude ever” trophy.
10/07/08 – A man informed me he just made a huge mistake by sleeping with his ex girlfriend. I’m glad the L&M guy is who you go to to tell these things.

10/11/08 - Presumably drunk brodude tried driving his car while his homie sat on the hood. They were only stopped by me getting’ on the ole’ “voice o’ god” intercom and saying, “you do realize how bad an idea that is?”

10/17/08 – Horrifyingly Repulsive moment of the day: HUGE fucking cabby waddles his way into the story and informs me he’s gonna use the bathroom. I say, “go for it” to which he replies full of husk and gusto, “Oh I will!” and starts laughing, like, Evil Villain laughing. Then, after finishing his business, he returned to his cab, grabbed a new pair of pants and went to the bathroom to change.

12/08/08 – I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling. Gotta make you undersand. Never gunna give you up, never gunna let you down. Never gunna run around and desert you. Never gunna make you cry, nevergunna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

10/21/08 – There is no God; Only Dave.

10/21/08 – There is no Dave, only ZOUHL!

10/22/08 – Asked customer, “How’s it going?” as he entered the store, to which he replied, “Well, my back hurts, my feet stink, and I don’t think I believe in God anymore but other than that I’m doin’ fine.”

10/25/08 – I have yet to figure out what is so awesome about the cig/energy drink combo. Since I don’t drink energy drinks or smoke, this better be better than sex while eating better than sex cake while on acid at a Daft Punk concert in the Matrix.

10/26/08 – ALL bills must face Mecca. ALL of them.

11/09/08 – Lady came in and bought condoms, then asked if we sold bananas.

11/13/08 – Drunk Girl: Where’s the bathroom? Me: (Points) D.G: Oh yeah! I had sex in here! Me: Huh. Not something I would openly admit. D.G.: Don’t Hate!

11/14/08 – On Freshmen: “Dude, the way I see it, this town is like Nam, and then you get some new guy that doesn’t known to throw a grenade down the hole before he pokes his head in and the whole platoon gets killed. That’s Freshmen.”

11/15/08 – Girl offered to show Jake + I her tits in exchange for 2 AA batteries.

11/20/08 – Guy came in for change + revealed to me that he needs to get a vasectomy. WHY DO PEOPLE TELL US THIS STUFF?!

11/20/08 – Found a chicken leg sitting on the floor. Upon further inspection a full box of banquet chicken was in the bathroom with all [the] chicken missing but 1.

11/27/08 – Mailman encouraged me to go out and get bombed and go home with strange ass tonight. It’s nice to know someone is looking out for my best interests.

12/13/08 – Someone tell me about those “Big Az” sammiches. I’m a vegetarian so I haven’t tried them, but they smell like angel meat.

12/16/08 – Guy came in and bought zig-zags. He said he missed his “wake+bake” this morning.

1/03/09 – Bro came in and talked to me IN CHARACTER as Brian Fellows from SNL for 30 min. “I’m BRIAN Fellows!” “Did you see that goat?” “Hang up that phone!” “That goat got devil eyes!”

1/15/09 – Got a call on the ole’ mighty phone where all the person on the other end did was breathe heavy, groan a little, then hang up. All in all one of the better conversations I’ve had on that thing.

1/22/09 – Lady came in yacking about some knitting class she was taking later that day and then purchased some High-Grav. Stuffing her hobo-hooch in her purse she remarked, “better hide that. I get in trouble for drinking in the afternoon.” Which, given that I bleive she was on break from work AND had a pair of giant knitting needles on her person, I could see why people might feel the need to reprimand her.

1/22/09 – Using the Mighty Shop Historical Inaccuracy Game ™ I actually convinced a customer the War of 1812 began in 1813.

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