Monday, May 4, 2009

Best of TEM Vols I and II

Here's the best-of's for the first two books. Most of these should be showing up in the DI Column on Wednesday.


The Essential Mighty Shop Vol. I
2/11/08 - 5/06/08

2/15 mid-8
Captains log, Some Jackass either shit out hamburgers with onion or puked all over the bathroom.

3/5/08 mid-8
-came to the conclusion that if I consumed 3 cups of coffee I would certainly shit my pants. I quit after 2 ½.

3/9/08 mid-8
-Captain’s log- 5:49 a.m. a guy came in looking for exlax or any sort of suppository device ………. Then started talking about cocaine making him have to poop so he purchased an energy drink hoping for similar results.

3/9/08 4-8
-Encountered a middle-aged gent with “ROCK STAR” tattooed across his knuckles. The fact that he had a teenaged girlfriend and was riding shotgun in her ’93 Topaz led me to believe he was no such rockstar.

3/16/08 4-8
Very, very bored. Have figured out why people consider activities like huffing and “ghost ridin’ the whip” appealing.

3/18/08 noon-4
Man with bad leg tried to sell porn to customers.

3/18/08 4-8
Accidentally summoned extra dimensional being known as Zxaragorvolax the Unmerciful. However, as all six of his bulbulous, bloodshot eyes and his twitching, expectant mandibles told me, homeboy was just looking for some mango phillies and a bag of cheetos, son.

3/23/08 8-mid
I haven’t been a jerk in days so I want to totally deny some kid trying to buy beer and shoot Lava at his/her face. Ahhh Lava Shooting. Similar to a money shot but involves melting flesh.

4/02/08 noon-4
Transvestite with a bull ring scared the bejesus out of me.

4/03/04 8-mid
Large 30 something male customer purchased a sixer of “California coller” cheer beer. By looking at the guy, one could assume he’s gonna down the whole sixer himself while sitting in his parents’ basement watching hentai.

4/12/08 8-mid
Nico is totally going to the Ren Fair. He is going to get drunk and bask in the white, shimmering light of glorious anachronism.

4/21/08 8-noon
Guy came in at 9:20 a.m. and purchased seven 32 oz’ers of The Beast ICE (literally all that we had on the shelf.) Staggered by his hobolicious beverage choice I asked, “what’s the occasion?” To which he replied, “Monday.”

The Essential Mighty Shop Vol.II: Summer of Brah

5/12/08 4-8
I farted + blamed the smell on a bum.

5/17/08 4-8
Saw 2 bros roll up together on a moped. How Romantic.

5/19/08 8-mid
Girl wearing newspaper and a box of beer came in to buy duct tape to fix her “clothes.”

5/20/08 8-mid
Girl called asking if we found her retainer.

5/23/08 8-mid
Why do we have stock shifts? I feel as useless as a condom in the Vatican.

5/24/08 4-8
Guy came in and said I reminded him of his friend from High School, Rusty Miller. I really, really wish my name was Rusty. That would be a kickass name.

5/29/08 4-8
Man came in asking if we sold flamethrowers … was speechless.

6/03/08 noon-4
Dude nick named me “commander.” I liked it + want to keep it.

6/11/08 noon-4
Fifty-something redneck in a rusty blue car asked a slender, semi-attractive young patron for directions to Menards. Then he asked her where she stripped at.

6/12/08 4-8
Beaucoup bucks brought by bartering batters and bottled water. Bueno! Flood Fever has hit Iowa City.

5/13/08 8-mid
I have encountered the dumbest person ever. The conversation went something like this:
Dumbest Person Ever: (points to the Register 1 change tray) Why does that say, “The Mighty?”
Me: Because we’re the Mighty Shop.
DPE: I don’t get it. What does it mean?
Me: It’s code …

6/17/08 Mid-8
Level 3 kid tried walking out of store hiding his “boner,” once outside he pulled his boner out and it really looked like a stole 40 oz of miller lite. So I walked outside and got back that 40 and told him never to come in here and get a boner again.

6/18/08 4-8
So, a guy rolls up in an SUV, steps out of the driver’s die, pulls an empty Naty Ice tall boy out of a paper bag and walks in. He hands the empty to me and heads back to the cooler where he grabs a 32 oz Naty Ice. I ask for his ID, which he promptly flashes revealing a license with NON-DRIVER stamped on it in big red letters. Dude then asks for a paper sack for his purchase and goes on his merry (drunken?) way.

8/19/08 8-mid
Alright, little Mighty moment here: Two bar-ladies (Ho’s) came into the Shop and politely request to use the bathroom to change. After a strongly-worded warning to lock the door (after all, we wouldn’t want to have any bow-chicka-bum walk-ins) the 2 ladies proceeded to spend at least half an hour in the bathroom together. Leaving the store, the girls thanked us, giggling and attired in even more skank-a-licious couture, their hair somehow wind blown.

6/21/08 sometime
For reals, so hungover. There’s nothing quite like waking up to a blinding headache and a Wikipedia page turned to the “Dark Lords of the Sith.” Just terrible.

6/23/08 mid-8
One woman was trying to be funny and called me “Brah.” Thank you life for giving me this, the day a 30 year old woman calls you brah should be a milestone in everyone’s life.

*The Proletariat Nightlife*
The Morning Rednecks told me they both get fellatio in the morning when they wake up (from each other?) then proceeded to ask me if I knew where to find prostitutes.
I told em to check craigs list.

7/7/08 sometime
Ow! Trident!

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